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chapter 2

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prisms of me

I am a woman who is being inspired by my inner muse. Creating, believing, encouraging and healing with each new opportunity. Metamorphism of a woman is changing our pre-existing boundaries, limiting beliefs, without breaking us down and becoming stronger from our pain, loss, much crying at times and finding our passion. It is only with the pressure and heat of life that the melting of our heart turns us to the fine gem. Some of us it takes longer to change and the metamorphism, we have been hidden and waiting for nudge to fly free from the cocoon of self judgement, old beliefs. I am here to nudge, to whisper to encourage and love you on your journey to find your passion. Trust yourself, you are ready.

 

#BecomingME #BlueeyesBrowneyes #DifferencesUniteUs #DiversityEquityInclusion #HealingDaughters #IlluminatedToIlluminate #LegacyofLove #ListeningToMyInternalGPS #nomorediscrimination #questionyourbs #SabotageWarrior #ShiningBrighterTogether #WomensGPS #WeAllBelong

https://gravatar.com/womanality

Why do I have to wear a mask and pretend or act a certain way just because you do?

The little girl says why do I have to dress a certain way when I visit those relatives? Why do I have to put on a dress and wear piggy tails. I want to have a pretty barrette in my hair and leave it down. They wear coverings and dress in black and look like they are going to funerals.

 

Why do I have to wear a mask and pretend or act a certain way just because you do? I am me and you are you. Maybe I want purple hair and wear shiny dangly ear rings. Smell like beautiful flowers. Who are you to tell me I am wrong? 

 

The religion you believe, the stories you believe, that are lies, lies to me. I have let them define me, down inside putting a bandage over something that healed looked like it was healed but inside it was raw and still hurts. I am tearing off that bandage and healing from the inside out.  Letting everyone see the sore and hear me cry. I am not you and you are not me it is plain to see. I do not want to be you. I want and need to be me.

You tried to protect me, I believed by isolating and telling myself I was not good enough, smart enough, enough that I would sleep, let me just go to sleep and not wake up.  Dream and know that there is somewhere inside of me that is secret and beautiful.  I don’t see it out there,  it is inside of me where I find comfort and belong. 

This body, I have tried to dress up and look a certain way to feel a certain way to look like others.  I don’t belong, where do I belong? How can I tell you to be something I cannot be?  God sees me and knows who I am, the creator has given this drive the belief of more. I may not find, like many because it is not real. No one can give it to me it is a metaphysical thing, like my thoughts, feelings, no one else can see them but they are as much a part of me as my teeth that I eat with or my tears that I cry. 

Religion teaches to believe and forgive and help others. I have most of my life done this but I need to believe, forgive and help myself to be able to do that for others. This circle that is my life It winds around into this prism of my life. It becomes tighter winding around me then loosens up for a while until it I am wound up again almost ready to hang myself mentally. 

 

Prisms of this life, my life like a kaleidoscope always changing, beautiful but chaotic full of pain, anger and rejection of myself. Always thinking there must be more, that I need to be more.  Where do I go, what am I waiting for, searching for? It is not someone else, something else. I do not need someone else to complete me. I do not need a house full of things to make me happy. The biggest house full of magnificent furniture, paintings and jewelry will not make me happier. 

 

The gardens of my mind I walk thru, I am calm looking for the next wonder around the corner. Full of ancient statues, ponds, swings and rest, rest I can find nowhere else. 

Where do you find rest? In the scriptures, beliefs that were passed down from your parents, memes? 

The neighborhood is quiet; the sun is not yet up. No lights on, but they are there in the dark maybe like me sitting with a cup of tea, thinking wondering what the day will bring. What will I pass on to the ones I love, what lies have I taught them to believe? Since I have been a little girl, I have searched and knew there was more than the farm I lived on or the one room school house I went to. 

The black buggies, bonnets and shoes all masking the beauty that hides within: the happy children, the long beautiful hair the feet that long to be running in the long grass and sand and beaches. 

https://beyoutifulwoman.blogspot.com/2014/01/why-do-i-have-to-wear-mask-and-pretend.html

Present Mindful Personal Journey

The steps that have lead up to this moment have been confusing, intense, manipulative and a dream.

I am present, more mindful in my personal journey. Each day is a new day, a day to meditate, breathe and begin again. Yesterday is full of anger, fear and guilt. Tomorrow may be a disaster but today I am here and believing for the best. Believing that each day is bringing me closer to my personal best. I will not compare myself to others. I am not them, I am me and I am enough.

Naive, crazy, sad words I can call myself but I must believe tomorrow will be a better day. That the next breathe, the next thought is a little clearer, I count down 5,4, 3, 2, 1. I am grounded. Grounded in this space that is in my head, deep in the synapses of my brain I am changing direction, thought by thought. Each one is stronger, smarter and more of me, the true me that has been hiding.

Being present, I am here right now with my thoughts. I let go of all the fear, anger, regrets. In my mind I am walking from one room to the next. I am locking the door and placing the key in a box, placing it in a safe. I can go back any time I need to. For now I am in a new space, full of peace, love and adventure. Stepping into my temple. Present.

Mindful, of where I have been, mistakes that were stepping stones each one making me stronger and smarter. They where not mistakes that I thought they were but a rising in this prism of my life.  For a while I was going up and down the elevator of life, losing focus, maybe not really knowing where I was going. Today, I am here and I am with each heartbeat, I am exhilarated knowing that I will not go back to that place of brokenness. When it tries to pull me down that prism I stand firm. Mindful.

This gap I am standing in for myself is connected to the past and entwined together with my future. This personal journey is really just starting with my next thought and tomorrow. As the door opens and I enter the next room with the my keys. I welcome the change, I believe, whatever, wherever I go even if it is just my mind or here sitting in this chair at a keyboard in front of me, I am present, mindful in my personal journey.

https://beyoutifulwoman.blogspot.com/search/label/Prisms

Listening to My Internal GPS


 

Marginalizing the worries, indifferences, and exasperated my life as it is being transformed; I am devoted to improving, educating and self love. Stronger each day than the day before, the past was my stepping stone to this day and its adrenaline inspires and conquers anything I fear. Searching, and knowing that the teacher is out there. Abundant, incredible desires that I have, want and need are all there for me, waiting for me. Refusing to listen to the deception of my own lies that have controlled and manipulated me, pulling me down, unable to breathe, coming up for short breathes and then pulled down again. I have survived. Stronger, smarter and ready to follow the path, I am making.

 

Years of listening to others rules, happy with the crumbs left for me. Thinking about what is really important; I need to take my life in my hands. Massaging in the love, inspired by new rules, new beliefs I am satisfied, satisfied that I am growing, leading silently right now. The goal is to be independent of what others think, bolder in my thoughts, speech and goals, believing in myself.

 

Questioning the rules, knowing what intuitively I feel is true and right for me. Like a rush, surging thru me intense uber knowing. Deciding to be my best friend, physically and mentally creating boundaries, I never knew I could create or conceive I could do for myself. I am giving myself permission to say no, no to the anger, hurt and lies, no to the death of myself for others to walk over, no to the silence that separates, no to this dis-ease that eats away at my soul. I have found my voice; I am standing up for myself, trusting myself. 

 

I flow inward, to the ultimate version of self. My masks are thrown down, forgiving and believing myself, a refreshing surrender. I am enough.  Blossoming, forward, upward I am here today, following the light in me. Tomorrow I will be one step closer to my goals. If I digress to my old thoughts and habits I will remember to be gentle knowing that I am on my path and there will be stones, that I would of stumbled over before and may be in my way but I will walk over them, creating me to be stronger and ready for whatever is in front of me. 

 

Anchored by my faith, my direction shines in front of me by the creator guiding my internal GPS. Taking different trails we end up at the same destination; I will listen to my dreams, feeling the power that radiates within and shine.

https://beyoutifulwoman.blogspot.com/2013/10/listening-to-my-internal-gps.html

Frozen Kingdom of Isolation


Fantasy is fun, playing and dreaming. One day we need to start acting on what are dreams are. Mine are writing, helping women and healing myself along the way from the inside out.

I have a box of photos sitting on the table, frozen in time. We often look thru them they are the happy, fun times I remember with my family. Wondering what dreams I personally have and if I will ever get out of those boxes and really be who I need to be, to be?

Reflecting on the memories I have as a young woman, mother and now grandmother I am making memories for the ones that fall in my shadow silently. Making collages hoping that one day they will see me. More than a woman who is physically sick, mentally sick of all the things in my life, things that have gone haywire. Sucking back on wine, popping pills and waking up with headaches the next day; the cycle just continues. I am not where I use to be but sometimes I worry that it is escalating again.

The secret lives we live, putting on the face our masks, isolating and smiling acting like nothing is wrong. Masking the pain in my body, relationships with family and friends; where are you? No one calls, have you forgotten me? 

Do you know who I am? I don't.

Where do I go? Here; there is no face there staring back at me, no one to judge me but me! I do. Right now I am lost and confused about my life. Moving in many directions but stagnant. How is that possible?
 

It is so quiet at times but my mind is going crazy. I am questioning myself, angry with life dealing me this pain, and situations; should of come out of. The shadow I am in of my parents, following me and is hovering over my children. I need to be strong, I am strong. This moment I am weak, I am weak. I dream, I am a dreamer, I hope, I have hope. I believe, I am believing, I cry, I am crying.


Where do I go? You are there silently, a spirit that may feel what I am feeling, frozen. The mirror in front of me is of a woman who is weak then strong, dreams, hopes and believes while crying. Moment by moment, drawn closer to who I really am; stepping from one thought into another, day into another day.

The new photos of me looks back at me and I see a tired, older woman, pretty, overweight but still creating moments. Moments of happiness, memories to remember and I know things have to get better. I see it in the smiles of my family and friends, in my cat Sara who comes to me because she needs to be loved and patted. She comes up here to me and tells me when she needs something, when she is tired or wants to go outside. She has her voice. Sagwa is quiet and hardly comes out, he is content sitting under the curtain by the window or under my blanket, hiding. I often forget he hides there and sometimes only see him once a day.

Being content with what is going on in my life, not expecting and enjoying what happens is what I have been doing. Like those before me; not expecting for more. 

Where is our wonder, our destiny?

I see it in the children in their excitement. "Rainbow flakes, that is what the cereal box says grandma." Checking to see if there was a Rainbow flakes Facebook link I checked and there was Frozen the Disney Movie; a story about sisters and being frozen. 

https://www.facebook.com/rainbow.flakes?fref=ts


"I don't care what they are going to say", time to see what I can do", I'm free, let it go", " that perfect girl is gone" quotes from Disney's Frozen. Wonderful words, movie for young children, inspiring, empowering.

More words we need to say from the Frozen movie

" Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door"

http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Let_it_Go

I slam the door to all that binds me, that hurts me, that make me feel less than I am. This shadow I carry with me is going to be lifted. I am not going to let it follow me on to those I love.
 
Time to see what I can do, I am letting go

I will cry, it may hurt but I am letting go of the lies, the stories, the anger in me. Living in the kingdom of isolation I am alive, I am here, I stand, I am not frozen, I am alive.

Look inside, who are you? 
What is on the outside will all change. 

Look at the photo albums you have, pulled out a picture of you from 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, and 50 years ago.

Who are you?

You are Be.You.tiful, take care of you.

 

https://beyoutifulwoman.blogspot.com/2014/02/frozen-kingdom-of-isolation.html

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