Self-reflection of emotions, feelings and fear that have controlled me as a captive for years and now I more in control; having revolved much while healing over the years. With different therapies and a lot of writing I have evolved and like the woman I am now. There are areas I am working on and there will always be better and newer version of Kalina but the beta phase is over and I have discovered many things about myself.
Emotionally over the years I have learned to allow my children and myself to share and express our feelings instead of protecting us from the unknown fear, disappointment, or hurt. Learning to deal with my feelings is a part of moving on and re-creating myself. If I had learned that earlier and felt what I really felt, spoke what I really needed to say and screamed when I need to scream it might not of taken as long to get here.
Anger is a huge feeling that unless dealt with can cause a lot of bitterness and learning to forgive ourselves and other while moving on has been part of my healing. Realizing often people mirror back what they see in themselves and that they may have been triggered by their own anger and unresolved issues. Holding onto the resentment of others and self-loathing has caused many lies to be believed and gnawed at my life for decades. Resolving issues and letting go of some relationships while creating boundaries of other has buffered me as I handle resentment and reinforce the desires of my own in a constructive way without blowing up and taking things personally. Letting go of what others threw at me and taking it on as my own problem, then not able to deal with it has caused an internal battle with myself and struggling with what others expected of me. Often things might have been halted just by saying “No” and having the courage to stand up for my own needs and beliefs.
Overwhelming fear has controlled my life and actions for years overprotecting and over reacting to situations only made me more anxious and unable to handle the situation. Medication and years of depression and numbing out left me isolating and miserable. As I use grounding techniques like journaling, mediation, tapping and visualizations. I remember much of what I have been fearful in the past has not actually occurred or not likely to reoccur. Creating a space in my home with an area that was mine by an altar of things like my photo albums, meditations and surrounding myself with loved ones make me feel safe and treasured.
At times I may ruminate and cause more drama in my life and mind than is actually there and become frightened, unable to sleep and over reacted to situations. Knowing that I have the support of a few good friends and family help me solve problems and help me work through things that may seem like tragedies. Until the crisis is over I know that I am not alone and if I am I can handle it because this too shall pass.
My journey of life has brought many ups and downs and many mistakes and guilt caused me to feel shame with guilt. As I have learned from not repeating those things and to make things right with those who I have hurt while asking for forgiveness from God and the people I hurt. As some of the people I cannot allow in my life any longer I have written letters and forgiven them as well as myself and become stronger.
The grief and loss I have from my childhood and relationships was carried much through my adult life. Creating a fear of loss and letting go and holding onto things that were never mine. Realizing I did the best I could at the time and so did the people that were there at the time. Letting go of things that destroyed me at the time was very hard and I could not. The constant questioning and wondering why things happened the way they did wasted many years and self-doubt.
The revolving door that I walked through life with my anger, emotions, fear, grief, guilt and misery continually created a whirlwind of chaos and will again. A healthier mindset and learning to take better control of my health, thoughts and lifestyle has improved as I have learned to respond to the situations. I will pause and remember from the lessons of my life and those I have been in that have woke me up. As I question the moods that rush in and why I believe them to be true I will make more constructive decisions that are empowered and creative; as I am in charge of them.
Removing the toxicity of the state of my body, mind and soul as I nurture myself with self-respect, love and forgiveness has been healing while restoring me. Listening to the whispers of my own intuitive spirit help me prepare for what life has to offer as I honour who I am in this moment; illuminated to illuminate. The prisms of my life that are shifting with each new situation are ever-changing. Appreciating the journey and creating my own path as I am take my tool bag of spontaneous health, joy, optimism and passion of all that has helped me over the years to challenge and evolve myself to become who I need and want to be as I listen to my women’s GPS.
